the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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