I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
