Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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