i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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