these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
