what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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