I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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