Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
