Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
