If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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