My friends, they love my intelligence
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She's the barista slut.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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