I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
