I cockslap morals
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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