i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
