i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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