I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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