I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
