remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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