We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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