Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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