I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
