I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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