My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
