Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
