u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
