If i could tip my vagina, i would.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
