I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
