I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
