he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
