I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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