I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
