So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
