if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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