Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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