Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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