no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's rum buckets o'clock
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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