I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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