They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
