So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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