Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
