he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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