don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
