So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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