This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
