WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
