Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Pooping to opera.
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