I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
