dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
