Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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