Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
