I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
