I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
