You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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