you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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