I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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