so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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