apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
